Last night Faris asked me why Spotify includes the scenes from the movie in the soundtrack. I laughed, as ‘Shallow’ started again for the millionth time. I have no issues with the scenes being a part of the soundtrack, it brings me into the movie again, and again, and again. My confession is, I actually watched the movie 3 times in theatre (once alone, once with Faris and once with my Mum). Last night marked the 3rd time. Kind of shocking, I know. I don’t think I have ever done that before, and I am definitely known to watch movies over and over again. There was something about this movie though. The moment I saw the trailer I felt every part of my being race in excitement- a deeper knowing that I would love this movie, my shadow would love this movie and it would become a classic on the list of my top movies- alongside Black Beauty, My Best Friend’s Wedding, Devil Wears Prada and another animal movie I can’t remember the name of right now.

That’s the thing about movies and music, a lot of the time our choices are being driven by our shadow. The part of us that likes to soak in pain, chase power and take us on paths that might not always be for our highest right. The first time I realised this was when I was driving with my Mum in San Francisco and had a very, very strong desire to listen to Chris Brown’s song, ‘Back to Sleep’. This urge to listen to the song was so strong that I ended up playing and instantly feeling a sense of power and danger. Like I was playing with fire. Why do I like listening to Chris Brown, I wondered? He doesn’t match up with any of my values, and I certainly don’t feel like a great person when I say I love him. So what is it? (All questions I pondered to myself in the car as we continued driving as Chris sang, ‘girl just let me ride, imma fuck you back to sleep girl’.) And then I remembered that earlier that morning my Mum and I had gotten into an argument, and the day hadn’t exactly gone swimmingly. This was my inner rebel. The part of me that wanted to go against ‘what is good’ and play with fire. The part of me that loves Chris Brown is also the part that got me into a lot of trouble growing up, but also kept me safe when shit hit the fan. She is my inner badass. She is my shadow. She is also who absolutely loves ‘A Star is Born’. She loves the tragedy, the sex, the intense passion and the painful story of addiction. She resonates with it and feels safe in it.

The first time I watched it, I had just arrived home from Sedona, AZ the day before. I was wide open, changed, transformed and really ready to rest and go slow. I had been in Sedona for a week to attend an intuition embodiment and mediumship retreat with two of my favorite teachers, Dr. Divi Chandna and Lynnette Brown. That week was incredible. It really opened me up as I set the intention to open, release and allow love/support in. I broke down daily, shed buckets (gallons) of tears and spoke to many dead people. Mediumship has always been something that has circled me. When I was really little, I did it normally. It was as normal as speaking to people that were alive and in form- it just happened. Especially at night. And then something happened and I really shut everything down and went into a silent space of darkness that lasted for many, many years. Opening this space back up has taken some time and a lot of intention. To consciously call the energy back and to open my heart to the healing I refused. To expose my wounds to the air. Since diving head first and with both feet into the psychic world and placing the ‘psychic’ label onto my face, a lot has been happening. A re-membering has been taking place. A remembering of who I am and with that, the journey that the mind takes us on to pull us away from these deep places of truth and divine purpose. And lately, as this journey has brought me to so many moments of truth and healing, again spirit recently called with another step in the journey. Another leap forward, to heal the parts of me that fears what it represents and what could happen. The fears that are ready to be seen, heard and released into the light.

So when I arrived home, the very next day I booked a spot for the Tuesday matinee, and watched ‘A Star is Born’ solo. I cried. A lot. When the movie finished, I couldn’t go home. It was one of those moments when the movie ended and I just wanted to stay in the theatre, listening to the music, to stay in the silence and stillness of the darkness. So much of me felt like Lady Gaga (hey, shadow). I felt the purpose of this new opening- to be able to communicate for the people who leave this world and leave loved ones behind, confused and lost. To serve as a channel for those who don’t yet feel ready to connect. I thought about what difference it would make if Lady Gaga (or Allie, in the movie) met a medium to speak to about Jackson’s death. I felt the heaviness of this purpose. I was tired. It was too bright and busy outside the theatre. Bright sunshine (a big deal in Vancouver come fall) and a whole half of the day left to fill. I drove myself to my favorite Vancouver oasis, Banyan Books, and sat in my favorite chair with a pile of books on mediumship. Book by book, I skimmed through the pages, feeling wide open and exposed. I felt naked, as if I left my clothes and parts of myself in the theatre and in Sedona. I was scattered. My energy wasn’t fully with me. I had left parts of myself behind me, in the different places of my visits. I left a big part of me sitting on the red rocks in Sedona, and in the room where I stood in front of my classmates to fulfill my wishes- to do stage mediumship.

Sometimes our mind can get ahead of us and want to implement and integrate everything you learned and moved through immediately. It expects the change to just happen, and for the entire being to adjust to the change without any resistance or delay. Over my life, I have found that this is just never the case. I am absolutely adaptable and flexible- but my being needs space to rest and reset. I think a big piece of this is how much I invest in the moments. I feel like I left everything in Sedona- I released so much, I let so much in, I connected, I laughed/cried/screamed and was deeply silent. I honored my desires and I followed my guidance as we moved through medicine wheels, shamanic ceremonies and danced our hearts and souls away to five rhythms. Something I have come to learn is that whenever I am tired/hungry/frustrated/angry- I am going to be reactive. As long as I check “yes” to one of those items- I know that prioritizing my needs and taking care of myself is the only way to go. If I choose to push past those warning signs and try to make things happen- I know I am just going to over-extend myself and kiss longevity goodbye.

I think one of the reasons A Star is Born is so well received is because it has so many different touch points of the story line. It hits so many parts of humanity and the human condition. There is romance and sex, there is tragedy, there is stardom, there is suicide, there is addiction, entertainment and family. Depending on how you are feeling when you watch it (something I witnessed watching it 3 times), you are going to receive it differently. For instance, the first time I watched it, I noticed that everyone I was watching it with was in alignment with me. Like we had prepared our hearts and were awaiting open-heart-surgery. There was a gentle note of readiness as the movie began. Not too much laughter. A lot of sniffles and a ton of emotional energy. The third time I watched it, the crowd was really different. People were laughing at parts that made me cry (when she accepts the Grammy on stage with him), and it seemed as though the doors to the hearts in the room were mainly closed. At the end of the day, the movie is a tragedy, but it is filled with so many other moments and vibrations of experience- that it can elicit whatever you are ready to experience.

The timing of the movie has been perfect. As I move through my own resistance and release old fears and limitations to being seen, I step into a new space and meaning of what it means be the star of my life. While I was in Sedona I saw a lot of my shadows and limitations up close. To be honest, spirit really shoved them in my face. For my whole life, I have carried this role of being everyone’s savior. To sacrifice my needs/desires/wants to serve my loved ones. Sedona brought this forward and really ripped it away from me- forcing me to discover a new way of seeing this and exploring what balance feels like. To allow support and love in. To be vulnerable. To allow new experiences of love and trust and believe that I can be supported and I can be held by the people around me.

Since coming home this big place of awareness and vulnerability has already begun to create big shifts in my life. In alignment with venus in retrograde, it sort of feels like my life has been going through a garage sale. Especially around love/friendship. Releasing what no longer fits or feels good, and clearing space for newness. Letting the connections go that see me as an old version of who I was, and not who I am. Resonating with my shadow self. Keeping me small. This clearing hasn’t been entirely easy. I’ll be honest.

The truth is, I do feel excited for what is to come. I feel a deeper and more ‘at-home’ connection with spirit and am excited for the work we are going to do together in the world. It seems as though this transformation that occurs in each of us is one that is never ending. It continues, and replicates through our lifetimes as we learn to flow (or not flow) with the pace of the divine offering we receive. I am intruiged by mediumship each day and look forward to bringing through past loved-ones and ancestors into more of my sessions and in life. I truly love working with the other side and every time I explore other dimensions and the divine, it feels as though a piece of my self is put back into place. As I am arriving home, or realising that I am home in a place that I have never left. A deeper sense of home. Not so much the physical home, but the spiritual home within. I have always felt like a foreigner in more ways than one. I’ve felt different. And I know that a big part of this is the fixation of my humanness. Part of my lessons in this lifetime is to learn that even when I feel different or not at home, I am always home and never different. And the fixation on being different or not being at home is actually the thing that makes it the most separating. The story of it, rather than the truth of it. Sure, I have ‘foreigner’ all over my birth chart (so I’ve been told) and I have conversations with people often and am told that ‘i’m not from here’ and that I am clearly from another planet. Ever since I was a little girl my Mum has told me (and my Dad) that we are aliens and not from here. The truth is, we are all not from here. We are all visitors on this planet, originating from star seeds, here to expand and evolve in the divine timing of a higher power. And in that, I choose to feel at home. I choose to release the tight grip that I hold on feeling unsafe, lost and out of place- and choose to be at home, always. Home is a sense of being more than it is a physical place. According to the law of resonance, you will attract into your life everything that is based on the resonance or frequency of of the energy that you are projecting. So I don’t feel at home, my life will translate that in my reality as being or feeling ‘homeless’. It is a choice to feel at home, or to not. It is a choice to be ‘home’ or not.

My intention here is to explore these places with you weekly. To write a blog post every week to honor my journey and take that time to be with me. I have found that I am more dedicated to my meditations and spiritual practices when I have clients to honor. This is beautiful and I am so grateful. And, I am becoming aware that I must honor my self too. That is what this is. To reconnect to the essence of where this whole world began, 6 years ago.

If you have any thoughts or questions or just want to say ‘hey’, please email me at chloe@chloescountertop.com and I look forward to diving in more with you soon.