Dear my first book,
I wanted to apologise.
It’s time to release what’s coming up.
When I looked at you this morning,
sitting on the countertop of my kitchen,
I felt something different.
For the first time
since I launched you out into the world,
I feel different.
No longer do I follow
No longer do I follow
It’s been over a year,
since I self-published you.
And this time has allowed me,
to see the way I feel about and hold space for
the things that I create and put out into the world.
Because I made it about me.
The book is me.
No, book is a representation of me.
And now I realise,
the book is the divine.
It is not about me.
And it’s not for me to feel shame about.
And why do I feel shame?
What is that voice about?
If I follow it, will it ever go away?
Whether I sell no copies or am a NYT best-seller,
will it be silenced?
Shame about what?
The time it took?
The images you chose?
this feels familiar.
This shame reminds me of something else.
The fear of people judging me.
I don’t feel it in that way anymore.
I don’t hear that anymore.
And now, it shows up here.
In my book.
And here it is,
an invitation to go deeper.
Why I can’t I love you?
Why can’t I hold you in my hands,
and feel your light?
What I realise,
is that this fear and shame holds me back
from accepting and receiving love from others.
There’s people out there who like you,
who even love you.
Who share you.
And I haven’t even been able to appreciate them.
I haven’t been able to accept their love.
And here we are.
It holds you hostage.
It keeps it all out.
Whether it’s a book, a podcast, a retreat, a program-
whatever it is.
Holding on to this, will impact that.
It won’t go away,
until it is faced and embraced.
For the shadow that it is.
So what do you want to do?
Are you willing to let go of all of the stories,
of why you didn’t do a good job.
Why you didn’t do your best.
Why you skipped corners.
I think it’s time to let it go.
In the same way that we hold onto the flaws of our bodies,
we can hold onto the flaws of everything in life.
We can hold onto them, and wait for universe to justify
our beliefs with experiences.
Bad reviews, negative remarks, judgment-
and perhaps, it is all coming through me.
Perhaps the only reason why these justifications come through,
is because I have believed it too.
I am reminded of a time,
when I was terrified of being fat.
I would’ve rather died than been fat.
I wanted to die.
This life-altering fear of being fat
It dictated my life.
It created my experiences.
And it manifested into reality.
No matter what,
I would rather die than hear someone’s judgment about me.
If those words were spoken,
I would crumble into a million pieces
in hopes of blowing away into the wind.
To hide this shame, the truth of my fears.
Why is this happening to me,
I would wonder.
And how do I stop it from happening?
It took a few years.
Heck, it took a lot of time and energy.
And it did stop.
Because I began believing something different.
I stepped into the fear, and saw it for what it was.
It wasn’t about being fat,
it was about being loved.
It was about being accepted.
So I went there.
And I went there.
And I stayed there.
Until it left,
in the same way that muscle tension depletes,
when we hold onto the spot,
with a force of love.
I didn’t run away.
I stood strong in the heat.
And let it slip away.
Without even noticing it, it left.
And the judgements stopped.
The comments ended.
And I was not fat.
Just like that, it all changed.
And it’s never come back.
Or has it?
In a different outfit.
Is this the same thing?
We call in our experiences.
We create our lives.
Could it be true?
A reflection of our internal environment.
I think it might be.
No, I know it is.
So here I am.
Sitting in the shame.
Investigating its roots.
Telling the truth to myself.
And holding onto my book.
Because it is me,
and it isn’t me.
It is the divine.
Speaking through me.
And that is beautiful.
My desire to connect to you, the divine,
is magnified by my desire to love my first book.
And every time I don’t love it,
and follow the stories of shame, guilt and fear,
I am not loving you.
I am stepping out of my connection to you.
Because it is you.
It is all you…
and it always has been.
I love you my first book.
Thank you for this incredible insight.
I am grateful for you.
Now, keep spreading your magic.