It’s in those moments when I feel like the luckiest girl in the world.
It’s in those moments when I am so surrounded by beauty- that it’s impossible to not just smile wide, from the inside.
It’s in those moments, when I feel my soul shining.
Bachelorette and bachelor parties have somehow found their way into my life. Without a true desire for it, I have been spending my time talking about, planning, and thinking about what these parties are all about. It’s funny how things enter your life; things that you really never thought you would end up experiencing. I remember watching shows and movies where bachelor/ette parties are involved and thinking- I cannot imagine ever experiencing that. Much like how many years ago I would look at babies and think “that will never be me”. It’s not until you begin to experience these things yourself, that you realise how surrounded you are by them.
In the past year I feel like everyone in my world (and their mothers) are getting married, throwing parties and having children. I think a big part of it is how we realise how connected we all really are. No matter where you go in the world- there is someone going through what you are going through, right now. You are not alone in how you are feeling. You are not alone in what you are experiencing. There is something so comforting about that isn’t there? Imagine the next time you feel extremely stressed out, lost or upset about something- there is someone in this crazy world going through the same thing. How did I get here? Because I realise that I am not the only girl worrying about her partner’s bachelor party while also planning the wedding and thinking about her own celebration with her friends.
So here is my story. I got pretty upset when we began thinking and talking about these parties. I wasn’t really worried or upset about my plans- I was more upset about my partner’s. The thing is, we are very different people and have very different ideas of what fun is. We have different friends, different stories to tell and different pasts to reconnect with. I think at the end of the day this is really what it means to be in a partnership- recognising that you are, in fact, different people. Just because you like and care about something- doesn’t necessarily mean that your partner must automatically care and like that thing too. So this was my challenge with bachelor parties. My idea of a celebration included my closest girl friends, in the wildnerness, playing amazing games all weekend, drinking delicious wine and cocktails, cooking & eating nourishing and delicious food and just overall immersing in the love that surrounds us. I am so beyond blessed that my vision and dream came true (and beyond) in the most beautiful way, thank you to the love and support of my amazing friends including my bestie Melanie Emlyn. She went above and beyond.
At the same time that I am feeling beyond grateful and loved, knowing or not knowing about the effects of my partners’ upcoming bachelor party creates some anxiety in my mind. What I notice is that in the not knowing, my control mind goes to an unnecessary place of fear and false assumptions that create so much anxiety. The question is, why? We does this happen?
There’s a few reasons why I’m writing this post.
I think it’s important to bring attention and discuss the whole bachelor/bachelorette traditions
I want to write a dedication post to my friends who made the weekend so incredibly special
I want to talk about how important it is to own who you are, be true to yourself and to not succumb to pressures
This all relates back to a lot of what I practice, work with and talk about in my business which is control and letting go of control.
So let’s start at the beginning: Discussing Traditions.
I have a hard time believing that bachelor/bachelorette parties have always been what they are now. In fact, I even get uncomfortable saying the words bachelor/bachelorette/stag/hen parties… they feel so demeaning and outside of what it all really is about. When you think about it: these parties are about celebrating the person that you are before you take the rite of passage to enter in a partnership and join your life with another. When it comes to what these parties are actually about, it makes sense that maybe it developed because “marriages” have been about owning the other person, monogamy and a loss of freedom. Also, I think a lot of the time marriage was a forced movement- in order for a family to increase social standing, etc. I think that this marriage concept is gradually changing though. To me, marriage is not about owning my partner. I do realise that sometimes this “ego” behaviour comes up, and manifests in states of jealousy and possession. When we spend so much time with another person, we tend to begin to believe that they are a part of us. So, the way we treat oursevles is how we begin to treat others. However, what it comes down to- is that is far from the truth. We don’t not own our partners and we do not control them. We were originally attracted to them possibly because of their tenacity and desire to be individual and confident. So why try to control now?
The more I write, and think about this- the more depth I realise is there. There is so much going on here. Relationship dynamics. Personal challenges. Ego. Control. Fear. So much of what we do in relationships is driven by one (or all) of these fixations.
So my partner, Faris, decided that he wants to do a trip with his friends, and immediately, I got uncomfortable. There was something about this trip that scared me. A lot of it is the not knowing, a lot of it is the assumptions (drugs, sex and rock and roll style). However, regardless- I brought myself into a state of not trusting…which spiralled into major anxiety and fear. What if this happened? What if that happened? Before I knew it, I had created false truths and was in major protection mode. If he did these things, then I would do these things. Without anything even happening, I had created an exit plan, if Faris indeed did the things that I feared most.
Taking this apart- a lot of my anger was towards myself. How did I let myself fall into a partnership where I am even dealing with this stuff? Why am I facing this? After all these years of spiritual work, spiritual growth and self-love and i’m discussing these things that I hate most. Suddenly, I had placed myself in a space of victim. The truth is that we are the creators of our reality and whether conscious or subconscious- we are experiencing what we are experiencing for a reason. This entire sequence of events made me realise that I still face issues of trust. I don’t truly believe that I can put all my trust in another person, because I do not feel completely worthy of their love. Without love, there is no trust. Vice versa.
So, I decided to let it go. We can never fully control another human being in this world, and if we choose to believe that we can, then we are purely choosing to suffer. That is the reality of it. When you choose to enter a partnership, the foundation of that is choosing to place your trust in another. And trust means letting go. Unconditional trust doesn’t have parameters and boundaries. It is just trust.
I don’t mean that you decide to live life blindly. It means connecting with your human characteristics (fear, ego, attachment) and maintaining the practice of being and letting go. I have no doubt that when the bachelor trip comes up, I will be again faced with elements of fear and anxiety. Faris and I may have disagreements and tears may be shed.
So what is a bachelor/bachelorette party really about?
Celebrating the person
Showing the person how much you love and appreciate them
Spending time to make the person feel good
Celebrate the upcoming union
When you are planning a bachelor party, ask yourself, if those are the foundational missions. Are you going into this celebration with the desire to support and love the subject? What is your objective?
A moment of gratitude to my friends:
I was blown away by my bachelorette. It was beyond the most perfect way for me to celebrate and spend time with my friends. A large part was being able to reconnect with the part of the world I love the most- the Pacific North West. The girls organized for us to all go together to the Sunshine Coast, Halfmoon Bay, and stay in a beautiful house at the top of a very steep hill. Together, we spent the weekend chatting, drinking, hiking, doing yoga, in meditation, cooking, eating and playing the most ridiculous and fun games ever. It was such a magical weekend- and I was truly in nostalgia the moment I returned home. I love that I was able to spend 2 full days stuck in nature with some of my most favourite people in the world.
What’s so amazing is that Mel planned the best surprises, from the moment she picked me up in the morning (and blindfolded me) to unveiling gifts (Oprah style) from The Juicery Co, Julie Beyer (raw chocolates), as well the most amazing holistic goodie bags a girl could ask for. It was a weekend with endless surprises. And it was amazing.
It was pure magic from the moment we arrived, to the moment we left. Even though the forecast for Saturday was rain and no shine- we ended up having the most beautiful bright blue bird sky day- and hiked the Smuggler’s Cove hike– and took some stunning photos all together. It was pure bliss. I felt so lucky.
Letting go of control:
Ask with anything and everything in life, it all comes back to control. After we run around in circles, expending our energy in believing that we deserve better or that we can change something or someone, it all comes back down to the foundation of letting go. You always have a choice, absolutely. Hoewver, this choice is less about controlling something about more about being active in it, or not. When it comes to relationships, it seems like you are usually making the choice to let go of control, and trust. Otherwise, why are you in the relationship? Sure, we are all hear to learn from each other and experience our own reflections in others- but at some point, you have to come to a point of surrender. Otherwise, the actually irony of it is that you are giving your power away to the illusion of control.
At the end of the day, I find it incredibly interesting. I am so grateful for each relationship in my life because they are a source of endless teachings and humility. We are all here for a reason and the poeple that are in your life are in your life for a reason. It is absolutely important to honour where you are and to be authentic and true to who you are.
And that is what I think is important when it comes to planning events like weddings and bachelorette parties. Despite all the pressure coming from all areas of your life and the people that you love- the true growth comes from listening to your inner voice and allowing that to be your guide. Remember, what you do in one area of your life, is how you live your whole life. So choose truth and authenticity.
And of course, have fun!